Lying breaks bones. It could even kill, thought Jenna as her bones ached. It was not the cold breeze from sitting out on the balcony. It was the lying. She’d been struggling with this pain for months. She even thought of seeing a doctor but having already self-diagnosed herself, she saw no point to it. She had never been forced to lie before. She always thought of lying as a perk that she could exploit whenever she pleased. However, ever since she got married, lying had become an absurd game that her memory played with her. Attempting to keep up with the intertwining stories that she made up was no easy task. Sharing her self-made anecdotes about her marriage was comforting at the start. But as she went on, she enjoyed believing her lies, and started to lose control over them. Those few moments of lying relieved her; a weight was lifted off her heart every time she imagined that things were normal. She enjoyed every lie that she’d spurred as if it was her reality. She believed her lies as much as her listeners did. As the lies began to haunt her memory, Jenna stepped out of the balcony and back to the house, in search of a distraction.

Jenna acknowledged the wonders of lying after the first time Amir slapped her. It had been two months since they’d gotten married; they were getting ready to go to the cinema. As Amir rushed her, Jenna commented on his lack of patience. “A true man,” she said, yet did not hear the rest of her sentence. Amir had already waved his arm at her face, printing the shape of his palm on her cheeks. “Is this manly enough for you?” he said. She was woken by the thud of the door slamming as Amir stormed out. She sat alone in her room and contemplated her options. Lying was one, along with escaping to her family’s home. The former option, however, she knew was more realistic. Calling her family would not make much difference. Her mother might be furious with his actions, her father might spit in his face, and her brother might take revenge and beat up Amir for her. But she knew that they would all resolve to the same conclusion once things had calmed down; Jenna should not ruin her marriage over a fight. Thus, she created a conclusion of her own, one that depended on her imagination and convincing skills.

In public, Amir was charismatic, always had something exciting to say, and was often the centre of attention at family gatherings. His knowledge was impressive; he knew of everything. But it was impossible to tell what was going on in his head unless one lived with him, figured Jenna. Seeing and speaking to him every day was the only way of knowing what kind of ideas floated in his mind. Although they rarely spoke to each other in public or amongst company, Jenna made sure that everyone there knew that Amir was her husband. Perhaps the knowledge and experiences that he showed in public, made up for the person she actually lived with. She shared anecdotes about their relationship, exaggerated his sense of humour and made his demands sound more sweet than suffocating. With

Amir’s charisma and her professional lying skills no one had ever guessed that their marriage was anything but sheer happiness and contentment.

And like many Arab men, Amir made sure not to show any warmth to his wife in public. He wouldn’t smile at her from across the room if they were with company. He would try not to speak to her and if she approached him with an important matter, she had to be concise and quick. They would never hold hands, and if possible, he would walk a few steps ahead of her. All those details, Jenna had twisted as a proof that her husband was a serious man who need not teenage behaviour to express his love. Of course, Jenna was always careful not to let Amir know of her stories, knowing he did not tolerate lying.

Having spent his life meeting people from all over the world, Amir considered conversing with Jenna as a downgrade. According to him, she wasn’t experienced enough to debate with him. He was bound to win any argument and so he didn’t see the point of having to go through all of that when he could simply enforce his opinions and demands. Perhaps the only time that Amir enjoyed spending with Jenna is when he recounted his experiences and stories from around the world. Jenna would sit across from him with utter amazement and excitement. She was genuinely proud of her husband’s knowledge and for those few hours he would become a different person, a human if she dared to describe him as such.

******

Jenna’s reflection in the mirror caught her attention. Normally she’d walk away from it. Especially now that she was pregnant and believed that she looked more repulsive than usual. She stood there observing her shape. Although she was seven months pregnant, her appearance did not change. Her figure resembled the dandelion flower; she could cease to exist in a blow of air. She still resembled a skeleton as Amir liked to point out. He often looked at her with disgust; he believed that no amount of makeup could hide her repulsive facial features and he made no effort to hide his feelings. He avoided looking in her eyes when they shared a bed and frequently felt the need to share his feelings with her. “How else will this relationship work if I’m not honest with my wife?” he would say. “It’s not like I’m lying, just take a look at yourself in the mirror, you’ll notice what I mean.” Once, before going to bed, Amir starred into Jenna’s eyes. It came as a pleasant surprise to her; she shyed away enjoying the moment. “Have you ever considered plastic surgery?” he blurted out, crashing any sentiment that she’d felt. “Messing with God’s creation is a sin,” she replied. “My parents would never approve,” she continued to back herself up. “I doubt it would have made a huge difference anyways,” he replied before turning his face away from her and falling asleep.

Amir’s words could instantly diminish Jenna. He could always justify them and he rarely apologized. He did apologize when he thought she did not deserve his slaps but replied with a sickening comment when he thought otherwise. “Grow up, it’s not like I’ve mutilated you,” he would say. Except for her

long hair, Jenna saw no signs marking his words on her body as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. Amir was always careful and no matter how angry Jenna had made him, he would never use extreme force. He might push her or slap her but never enough to cause her to bleed for instance, or call the police. Whenever she thought of it this way, Jenna resented him more. She might have understood or have found a justification had those been pure anger episodes where he lost control over his senses. But they weren’t. Amir was always conscious when he beat her. He was always aware of his actions.

The weight of her hair had been disturbing her for a while, but she couldn’t get a haircut. Amir preferred her long hair, so she’d left it to grow since they got married, two years ago. Perhaps not seeing his wife’s hair before marriage would lead to a deeper connection with it once they were married. At first, she thought Amir’s request was rational in some sense. It’s not uncommon for partners to interfere with such personal preferences, she thought. It’s part of the compromises that partners are expected to make for each other to work a relationship. She could have asked the same of him, except she lied to herself and thought that she preferred his wavy hair as well as his trimmed beard. The illusion that she had a say in Amir’s hair amused her. Although she was desperate for a haircut, although her hair could win a competition against Rapunzel, although washing and drying her hair lasted longer than a match of football, Jenna lied to comfort herself.

During their two-year long relationship, Jenna attempted to investigate her husband’s past. Perhaps finding a justification for his violent behaviour would make it tolerable. Amir was neither a drunk, nor was he raised in a broken home that promoted violence or pushed him towards it. As far as Jenna knew, Amir had not been traumatized in any way as a child. She had learned that Amir’s mother was occasionally called to his school when Amir got into fights with his classmates. Teenage mischief, his mother said; no one had ever been badly hurt and his fights were never with girls.

There were, however, things that Jenna could never have found out. She could never have known that as a child, Amir never trusted his mother’s words. He had a habit of asking his parents the same question and comparing their answers, looking to find a flaw in his mother’s response. He rarely listened to her and had always expressed that his father “knows better.” And although some might argue that such a comment was disrespectful, his parents thought it was rather charming that their young son was so outspoken.

As a child Amir had also gone through a phase where he occasionally hit his sister. But it was only a phase and he soon grew out of it. Children’s mischief, thought his parents. Like all children, Amir and his sister fought over toys. Every time their mother tried to stop them from fighting, she would ask Amir “Those are girls’ toys. Are you a girl?” Amir would chant his “No” making sure everyone in their neighbourhood heard his answer and acknowledged that he was a man. Since then his sister’s toys were always separate from his own. He never looked at them and if his sister ever suggested that they would

include her dolls in a shared game, he would threaten to cut the doll’s hair. Things were slightly better after their younger brother was born. Amir had finally found a fellow male companion to spend his time with and his sister’s dolls were finally safe.

******

As she stared at herself in the mirror, Jenna realized that the weight of her hair was not the only burden that she carried. There was of course a 30-week-old fetus swimming in her uterus. The fetus she immediately thought was a blessing and not a burden. And although it was one of the most natural experiences a woman could feel, having a creature in her body was alienating. She wondered whether all women felt this way. Or was this feeling exclusive to the devil’s wife? The weight that this marriage had imposed on her was more than she had expected. Not that she really knew what she was signing up for when she agreed to get married to begin with. Everyone from her high school class had gotten married and it seemed appropriate that she joined the squad. Had she spoken to any of them after they’d gotten married, she might have gotten an insight on the reality of marriage. But they all drifted off with their lives, enjoying the bliss that is monogamy, or so Jenna thought.

Besides her hair and the weight of her lies that diminished her just as much as her husband’s words did, Jenna’s unborn baby denied her any sleep before sunrise. Being pregnant, however, did not make her immune from her duties as a housewife. Amir was still the breadwinner and had to wake up early for work, whilst she got to relax at home all day long, as he put it. Thus, he concluded that his sleep was more important, and so she had to wake up in the morning to prep his breakfast and iron his work’s clothes. Perhaps this was what made this day more special; for the first time in months, she had two whole days to herself. Amir had gone camping for the weekend, during which time she promised herself she wouldn’t lift a finger. She had her pick of things to do. But most importantly, she had the luxury of sitting in peace, without Amir’s breath positioning her in constant anticipation of his criticism of anything and everything about her.

Amir hadn’t laid his hands on Jenna since they’d found out that she was pregnant. Certainly, she had been extra careful not to irritate him over the past few months. She knew that little actions could possibly lose him his temper again. Although it wasn’t the physical damage that worried her now; it was rather more simpler. If she was honest with herself, Jenna would admit that she could no longer bear Amir’s company. She no longer enjoyed the touch of his wavy hair poking her cheeks like tiny thorns. She was no longer amused by his handsome smirk which now seemed more devilish than anything else. She could even see the flames escaping his mouth and nose every time he took a breath, a lot like a dragon.

******

She roamed the house, misplacing items as she wished, without worrying that Amir would find them and tell her off for her disorganization. She walked into the spacious living room, the walls occupied with different pictures that Amir had snapped on his various trips across the world. She read every certificate framed on the wall. His bachelor’s degree. His master’s degree. Different excellence certificates from the different jobs that he had occupied. As she toured the house, Jenna came across a discovery that she had never realized before. If she were to die now, there would not be a sign that she once occupied this house. She wandered the different rooms searching the walls for a single evidence of her existence in that house. The walls were filled with Amir’s degrees and certificates, with souvenirs that he had gotten from all over the world. There were no pictures of either of them; Amir did not see the point of staring at his face or at anyone’s face for that matter. Their bedroom even lacked a wedding photo. “What if my brother came in, or if we needed an electrician or a plumber for instance? They cannot see a picture of you with your hair and your body exposed like this,” he told her.

Jenna’s phone rang, distracting her from staring at the walls. Thinking it was Amir calling to check on her, she ran to her phone. She would forget all about the walls and the weight that she carried if she knew that Amir was thinking of her. As it turned out, it was Amir’s sister. Seeing her name on her phone screen, Jenna recalled the first time she saw Amir’s sister and how she had later said that she thought Jenna would make a suitable wife for her older brother. She cursed the sister as she put her phone down. Jenna’s energy was occupied, and she could not endure to lie right now.

She continued touring the house, realising that she was indeed a mere guest. Even after moving from her parent’s house, she never moved her secondary belongings. She didn’t bring the few books that she owned, the photo albums from her school days or her thousand-piece jigsaw puzzles. Amir suggested that moving those items was unnecessary. They were starting a new life and there was no need to bring the past with them. At the time, those items seemed trivial, but now, Jenna was desperate for any item that could remind her of who she was. Perhaps as desperate as she was to get a haircut.

The more frustrated Jenna felt, the more her baby continued to kick. She decided to revert to her initial plan and enjoy this weekend. She needed to relax, and what was more soothing than a bath, she thought. She was of course denied any when Amir was around. He didn’t think they were soothing, and she had to adapt to his beliefs. The look of the sink struck her as she walked in the bathroom. Amir’s shaved hair covered the shiny marble. He did not trouble himself to rinse the sink before leaving, thought Jenna. As she picked up the electric shaver that he had left to linger in front of her on the counter, Jenna’s phone rang. Once again, she ran to check it, this time out of fear rather than excitement. Amir gets angry when she misses his calls. She checked her phone and yet again, it was Amir’s sister. As if it was the last straw that Jenna was waiting for, she walked back to the bathroom as she turned the electric shaver

on, ignoring her phone. The buzzing sound of the shaver mixed with her phone’s ringtone as she took her decision.

She felt fooled, manipulated, and beaten. She was a lot of things, but Jenna had suddenly insisted she would not be a victim. She placed the shaver’s blade on the edge of her forehead. “I am free,” she muttered to herself as she scraped off the first strand of her hair. She shaved the next strand and the third and the fourth as she could finally tast freedom. She continued until she became completely bald. Her head, however, was not as smooth as she thought it would look. Her scalp looked messy and uneven with mixed hair patches. Sensing November’s chillness on her bare scalp, Jenna was occupied touching her head and feeling the result of her impulsive decision. Too occupied that she missed the sound of her house door opening and her sister-in-law entering.

Amir’s sister appeared from behind the door, carrying an overnight bag.

“Jenna, where are you? Amir sent me to stay with you this weekend,” the sister called out excitedly as she entered Jenna’s bedroom, her smile fading as she saw Jenna. Jenna’s hair was bald, her eyes were blurred by her tears and her skinny body was barely supporting her pregnant figure.

“What’s wrong? What happened to your hair?” inquired the sister.

Having lost the weight of her hair, Jenna felt lighter than she had in two years. Amir’s sister walked Jenna to a sofa, patting Jenna’s back and supporting her to walk. As she sobbed, Jenna attempted to buy herself some time to think of an explanation. Once they sat down, Jenna had come up with a suitable answer. Starring at Amir’s framed certificates, she caught her breath in between her gasps and tears.

“Amir did this,” lied Jenna, again.